After An Affair: How To Get Over Guilt Caused By Cheating In Marriage
By Maria Vikse
Ideally, the family is considered the outpost that helps us to struggle with various life attacks, enhancing our identity and curing our wounds. When marrying, many people believe in this ideal scenario, but often have no idea that this 'stamp in the passport' is just a first brick we lay in the foundation of this outpost. Before it becomes the ideally fortified, we may pass by a long and thorny way and face the numerous challenges.
Those who have happened to experience family cheating, know that the outside attacks are not so threatening for couples as their inner enemies. It is easy to cope with the life’s surprises when pulling on the same end of the rope, but it is much more complicated to fight your own weaknesses, which are able to destroy the strongest outpost in a minute, as if it is a card-castle.
For everybody who considers that cheating is not the subject for dealing with, but the end of the family, we can say: guilt or insult is not good family advise. It is not easy to cope with these feelings and stay together, but believe us, it is possible. We will tell you how to do this.
Allow Your Brain To Speak
Self-chastising (for betrayers) or self-pity (for those who were betrayed) is the easiest way, and the majority of couples prefer to dive into their feelings as deep as possible instead of starting a dialogue. Be sure: dialogue is urgently needed, it could shed light on your spouse’s true stand on the issue while emotions misguide you.
So, when your guilt cries “I’m a scoundrel and she/he will never forgive me”, your brain would not allow you to decide for the other person but, most likely, whisper “Just ask forgiveness, the chance is always”. The emotions of a betrayed person could claim “I do not want to hear anything!” when the brain often argues that even the sentenced to execution have the right to say the last word.
Sure, you both need the time for suffering and being accustom to the fact of cheating, but do not adopt emotional decisions. Listen to the whispering of your heart and try to give a second chance.
Identify The Reason: Accusing Vs Understanding
We have just imagined the expression of indignation on the face of a cheated person “Is there any reasoning and why I should look for them?!!” Do not rush to take the responsibility off yourself. Remember, when something goes wrong in the family, there could not be just one guilty person; both spouses could be the reasons. Consider this rule and try to analyse. Ask yourself “What have I missed? What my partner was trying to find in the relations with another person?” The moment of honesty is crucial. Everybody can accuse but only few can understand.
Indeed, avoid presenting your considerations before you hear the reasons of a betrayer. Firstly, he/she could have nothing to say and use your idea to manipulate. Second, your spouse's reasoning could differ from yours but he/she would not present it in fear of hurting you again. So, you will never know the true reason and thus would not be able to fix it. If you are betrayer, honesty and sincere confession is the only way for you to cope with guilt and get forgiveness.
Avoid Involving Others: Say “No” To Arbitrage
We know when people suffer they need to express their pain and look for support. It is a natural way to cope with feelings, but we ask you to think carefully before you choose to tell other people. Consider the fact that the more people who are informed, the bigger fussiness will be raised around the issue. Consequently, you would not be able to pick the wheat from the chaff and risk to become the hostage of third person’s thoughts and feelings.
We do not recommend sharing with your parents: you will forgive your party but they never do this. This insult to them will not allow you to forget this story and can be a problem poisoning your further life. It is better to choose unbiased people who are far from participating in your family life. Maybe a priest, if you are believer, or friend living far from your place.
Cheating? What Cheating Do You Mean?
If you have decided to be together, discussed everything, understood and forgiven, just forget that cheating occurs in your life. We know, it is an overwhelming task, especially at the beginning, but there is no other way to stay together. Constant mentioning, accusations, suspicions, and jokes with evident context – all this promotes refreshing of the negative emotions of guilt and insult, prevents healing and prolongs your family crisis. Avoid mentioning and try to live the accustomed way of life and make your work on correcting mistakes without needless highlighting of each of your smallest efforts.
Jump Over The Abyss
The best way of forgetting a bad story is to replace it with a positive one. So, dear cheaters, do not wait long, and care about compensative emotions for your honey. Journey together, making her/his dream become true, visiting the places associated with your shared happiness or anything else that can make you closer again, will be a good decision. Do not be afraid that it is not a good time yet: remember any disease lasts longer if one would not take appropriate measures. Consider that positive experience are the pills to cure guilt and insult.
Dear cheated, meet initiatives that your partner takes, even when it is still hard to overcome the insult. The longer you delay happiness, the bigger the abyss that appears between you and your spouse. Most likely, if you have decided to stay together, you do not want such a slow flow of events to occur.
Consider that these recommendations are good only when both spouses want to stay together. If one of the parties strives to end the story, it would not work. Everybody has the right to make a mistake, but remember if cheating repeats more than once or twice, it could not be considered a mistake anymore but the manner of living. Then ask yourself whether you want to live with an irreparable cheater. Love yourself and guard your families.