Are Your Peers Holding You Back in Your Dating Life?
By Marcus Neo
It’s near impossible to change there’s a problem that isn’t perceived as a problem. I remembered when I told my friends in my earlier days that we could improve our dating lives by recommending them a couple of books. The majority of them scoffed at me.
When you are in University or at work, your social relationships are a product of circumstances. You don't really consciously 'work' on your relationships. You just assume they are just going to be there forever.
The Peer Group Effect
Let’s face it, talking about strategies ranging from coming up with lines to tease a woman to strategies on how to touch a woman are topics that aren’t massively accepted by male population. It might even lead on to some awkward stares.
You need to ask yourself who are the people you’ll like to hang out with to improve your dating life?
They are probably attending business events, attending interest groups such as Yoga classes, martial arts classes or being social at social events over the weekend.
Question is, how can you connect with people from such demographics? Where do these people spend their time hanging out? They aren’t certainly hanging out home on a Friday or Saturday night.
Here is what you can do: draft out the characteristics of the people you’ll like to connect with, find out where they spend their time, invest my time in these demographics, and then connect with them. You can also reach out to them via email, Facebook message or instagram to build a connection.
The Environment for Success
How does our external environment play a role in determining our dating success? Humans are a lot more reliant on environmental cues than you think.
You often hear: ‘all you need is to work hard’. That’s rubbish. Hustle isn’t the answer.
You and I are all cognitive misers and our behaviour is influenced by our environment more than you think. We're social animals and we're all evolved to socialize in groups. This is why your groups, networks and closely knitted social circles exist. Especially so in Asian culture. You also eventually need people to bounce ideas from, to get feedback from and to talk about your problems.
There's something to be said about creating an environment of inevitable success. If you got bills to pay, you’ll be damned sure you’re waking up on time to get to that sales appointment.
When I studied at UC Berkeley on an exchange program, I was alone but independent. I had to be fully accountable to my health, my social life and my academic performance. It was a lot of stress. However, I ended up performing well.
However, back in Singapore, my academic results were often lacklustre. I also noticed that when I came back, my habits quickly fell back to negative ones. I couldn’t wake up on time, my bad dietary habits came back and I started feeling restless and moody.
So what made all the difference?
Firstly, in the States, I had the freedom to flex my identity. In Singapore, nobody knew me as the academically excellent kid. My grades were average at best. Through the years that's how I identified myself as. In the States, I could be as nerdy as I desired.
Secondly, there were no rebellious students, no one to party with on the weekends. No one to fool around with. Just me, the library and my school notes. I was also shit scared of wasting thousands of dollars invested in my summer program.
So, how can you create an environment such that failure is NOT an option for you in your dating life?
How to Make New Peers
Everyone is busy and has their own self interests. Not everyone is going to be open to making a new conversation, and not everyone is going to want to connect with you.
Let's take University entrance for an example, why should a University let you in if you DO NOT have value or the results they require? If you have got no assets, no skills, no business, no nothing, you're a pair of legs with close to nothing to offer, your value to the world is glitch zero.
However, I’ll say this for sure: people who are in a more successful position in the area you are curious about often have untold stories that they'd like to share.
Relationships take time and effort. The simple method is to always ask yourself: how can I be of value to others? You need to bring minimally something to the table. This can come in the form of good conversations, invites to events, or minimally the ability to make others feel good about themselves. Hint: social skills.
There are heaps of YouTube videos and free content published on the internet. There's NO reason that you are not able to cultivate a skill set to be of value for people more successful than you are.
Finding new peers, like minded individuals and mentors can be as easy as reaching out through email, social media and getting their advice on a particular subject.
Successful people are usually busy people. If you get to the point of getting him or her out for coffee, then it's as SIMPLE as paying attention to him or her. Get advice and ask questions.
You’ll be surprised that the majority of people do not pay any attention to these tiny details of reaching out to someone you’ll like to pick their brain on.
Minimally, you can learn conversational skill sets such as actively listening, how to get people to open up, how to compliment others, empathize with others and humor. These basic conversational skill sets can be your basic value-add to anyone, that can be used across cultures, anywhere, any part of the world.
It's rare to find someone who's willing to listen to their problems without judgement. Everyone likes to be appreciated and listened to.
If your current peer group isn’t ‘resonating’ with you, then you have to be proactive about making steps to connect other like minded individuals. It’s far better than staying home on a Friday night playing computer games with your peers. If you’re always spending your time around people who don’t have much of a life going for them, then, needless to say, you’re not going to have much of your own.
If you want to get a better dating life, it’s important for you to surround yourself with people who have liked minded ideas on discussing and working on dating problems.