Is It Rude for a Man to Ask for Sex on the First Date?

By Rachel O'Conner
Dating Advice:Is It Rude for a Man to Ask for Sex on the First Date?

Is it rude to ask for sex on the first date? The matter is not just black and white, but it is important to think it through.

I'll share the same insights I share with friends who come to me with this burning question.

There's a certain look that appears in man's eye within two hours into the first date. It's when there's a kind of flow, and the attraction begins to grow beyond a simple nod. That look has the same sparkle as in the first instant eye contact is made. It's when the first touch happens, and hands are shaken, followed by hellos.

But now there's something more. There's a growing hunger, held back by a touch of restraint. But it's not the moment that he should ask. There is more to discover, more for him to understand before he dares cross that line.

The Importance of Safety For First Date Success

Around 99% of the time, I wouldn't have sex on the first date. I'd be lying if I told you it hadn't happened before, but 99% of the time, a man does not give me the confidence I need to go home with him.

It's important for me, as with many other women, to feel 110% safe to go home with a man I have just met. Women want to feel safe on a date, point-blank.

Even when I feel safe with a man, I know there is a possibility I'm making a mistake. Because of that, it’s very common for any suggestion of sex on the first date to be ill-received by a woman.

If you are going to be quick to the point, you need to take several steps beforehand to ensure that your date is on the same page as you. And she very well might be, if you don't blow it.

So what do you do?

Step 1: Earn her trust

If a woman does not trust you, she is not going home with you, and you are not going to her place either. A woman knows that you have the potential to physically hurt her, and because of that, her guard is up from the moment you meet.

The number one way to earn a woman’s trust is to have her best interest in mind. That means that you are able to set aside your lust for as long as is needed to give her a chance to get to know you.

You should be 100% prepared to go home alone for as many dates as she needs that. You need to be comfortable enough with yourself in your life that you feel no need to pressure someone into having sex with you.

Once you check all those boxes, she will sense that you are not threatening and wouldn’t hurt her no matter how easily you could. If she senses that, then there are things you can actually do during your date to earn her trust.

It's essential you give her a great deal of time and space to talk and express herself. Don't interrupt her. Don't zone out. Don't dismiss what she's saying as unimportant.

Often, a woman is telling you something that might seem totally boring or trivial, but what she's actually doing is becoming comfortable with you. She needs to try out conversation, any conversation with you, to find out more about who you are. Practice active listening and show her you are interested in getting to know her better too.

It’s also important to give her personal space without being distant. Notice how close she chooses to get to you. That’s a good reference point for what you should do. If she’s leaning in, it’s okay to do the same, just don’t go overboard.

If she trusts you, she will begin to feel safe around you. Remember, women have hyper-sensitive radars on at all times. If you make her feel uneasy, the date might as well be over. And even if you are totally trustworthy and do everything right, she still may not trust you (or feel like having sex) by the end of the first date. Be prepared to be okay with that.

Step 2: Test the waters

Couple Talking Over Breakfast - Testing the Waters

If you play the "sex" card without the appropriate buildup, you are 100% guaranteed to go home alone. You could bring it up in a perfect way, but without a few key steps beforehand, the plan will be instantly vetoed.

We're getting into greyer territory since all women are a bit different, but I'll share a few tips for you to keep in mind.

If you honestly believe that the attraction between you is mutual, you can begin to test the waters to find out if she might be interested in having sex with you on the first date.

I highly recommend that you find a way into a conversation about sex. It doesn’t have to be a sexy conversation, but it needs to have something to do with sex so you can find out where she stands on the issue.

If she's waiting until she's married to have sex, you can find that out in one simple conversation without being at all inappropriate. But, since she already assumes you want to hook up, let her lead the way. If the topic does not come up at all, that's a good sign she isn't interested tonight. But be prepared to weigh in on monogamy vs. polyamory, LGBTQ topics, etc.

The other key step to take is to make physical contact. Again, it's best to wait for a clear signal from her that she would like that. Either she gets really close to you or touches you first. Mirror her. Do not touch her more or more intimately than she touches you unless she is clearly asking you to.

For example, if I don't want a man to kiss me, I keep my body/head turned slightly away. If I do want him to kiss me, I stand directly in front of him, get close, and touch his face, angling it toward mine.

After intimate contact is made, see if she goes for more. If she doesn't, then she's probably hit her threshold for the night. If she keeps it going, then there may be more in store for you two.

Step 3: Make it easy to say no

If things are clearly heating up between the two of you, you are approaching the moment that you need to find out if she'd like to continue your "date" between the sheets. The most important thing to remember is to put it in such a way that it is effortless for her to decline without feeling like she is rejecting you.

If she's all over you, she's into you. But she might feel bad about declining sex and may not want you to think she's not very much into the idea of sex with you, just another night.

To make it easy for her, make it clear that you are available all night long. Make it known that you don't have to wake up early for anything. Let her take the lead, and don’t add any additional pressure.

What should you do?

The original question was, "is it rude to ask a woman for sex on the first date?"

I’m actually going to say: yes, it is rude. Instead of asking, make an offer. Say something like,"I'm having an amazing time with you tonight. I want you to know that if you'd like to spend the night with me tonight or any other time, I have a seriously comfortable bed and the best local coffee beans in my pantry."

Do you see how this makes your desire clear without requiring her to accept or reject you? This gives her an opening to say, "That sounds great. I'd like to check out that bed" or "Oh yeah? I might like to check that out sometime."

Now you have your answer! And you made it easy for her! You were able to tell her what you want without putting pressure on her. For me, the 1% of guys who do that are guys I wouldn't mind going home with.

Be sure to follow the steps, and remember that every woman is different. Some might be eager to jump in bed, while others would rather wait. Respect her choice. If it's meant to go that direction, it will--just give it time.

Rachel O'Conner

Rachel O'Conner

About The Author: Rachel is a freelance content writer, who has written a variety of health, dating, and relationship articles. In her free time, she enjoys running along the beach with her two puppies and practicing yoga. She currently writes on behalf of Gotham Club.